Hard time with it all--another rant

My first experience being pregnant wasn't a good one. I got pregnant at 17 by my best friend of 3-4years, and boyfriend of less then 1yr. being a pastors daughter, and a graduate from a Christian school, there was very little who supported the fact that we didnt want to break up, that we didnt want to give our daughter up for adoption, and regardless of how slim the chances were, we wanted to get our lives straight and make things between us work. I knew before we even started dating that one day I would like to be married to my best friend, but what did I know. I was 17, and barely a graduate.  Things at home got bad, and I made the decision to get a job, and that job happened to be in Roseau MN which was too far to drive 5days a week every morning. I worked things out with Zack's aunt and uncle for me to live with them, and it worked out fine. I worked up until my doctor recommended moving my way closer to the hospital since I was fairly far away staying at the Laurins. I stayed back and forth between the Laurins and Zack's parents depending on how I was feeling.

  Everyone knew I was pregnant, and anytime I came home to visit my mom dad, and siblings a whole new wave of rumors rushed about the town. It made coming home sooo extremely bitter sweet. i felt as though Every thing I had ever done wrong was suddenly laid out for the town to see...No it wasn't everything, but it was a pretty big thing! I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I wanted to turn my life around, but so called Christians made me almost want to reconsider. They happened to be the main ones throwing rumors round and about that most of the time weren't even CLOSE to the truth. Judging me at every chance they could get...If I ever went out I always felt as if I was walking down main street naked or something...glares, and stares, and whispering...I hated it so much. It was awful, and although I knew what I had done to get me in that situation was wrong, I felt that they needed to put their eyeballs back in their sockets, look in the mirror, and start wrestling the beam out of their own eye before examining publicly the speck in mine.

  Do to the negativity surrounding my pregnancy and its circumstances I personally had a really hard time staying positive, and struggled badly with depression, but being pregnant, although recommended by my doctor, declined to take my medication. It was difficult to see this pregnancy as any thing then what everyone made me feel it was. I had a hard time enjoying my pregnancy, or anything that had to do with it. I didnt want anyone to give any attention to the fact that I was pregnant, but that was impossible.

  Valentines day I went into labor just before midnight...I stayed at Zacks parents, and sure enough at 2am I woke up feeling crampy. It wasn't THAT bad so I went back to sleep...again at around 4-4:30am I woke up, and this time I knew I was in labor. I called my mom, took a shower, drank some water, woke Zack up...and was checked into the hospital in TRF by 7am.

  As soon as I was in a room and hooked up, my doctor came in and checked me and sure enough I was 7cm dilated and 100% effaced. She was amazed and said we could go without an epi if we wanted because I was tolerating contractions so well...which I was. (i seriously had worse gas pains while pregnant with Kylyn then contractions) We expected to have a baby girl within a few hours. There was alot of drama over who would be allowed in the room, and who wouldn't. When Kylyn started to crown but was so badly molded, the choice to go ahead and just do a cs came, and with that the argument of whether my mom should be in the OR with me or if the daddy of my baby and my fiance' would sit at my side.
  I chose Zack, and in doing so my dad chose to walk out, and not see the baby or me until after I was discharged from the hospital. Not the best thing to happen and be on your mind as your about to have a major abdominal surgery. (not only was it a major surgery it was the first time I had ever been admitted into the hospital...um scary!)  I'm glad with the choice I made, although I wish my daddy hadnt left me because he didnt get his way....and I think, what if something happened to me in the OR, and he just left? ---

  Visitors came and went, and we felt supported by a few.

 My church threw me a 'Gods way baby shower', but it was awkward because a friend of mine had just miscarried her baby and was there and seemed to make the entire thing about her, and yeah it was just weird, and i felt awkward. It was nice, but I still felt, regardless, judged.  My  MIL couldn't be there ( maybe she could have but because Zack and I were not married it was a bit inappropriate I guess. )

  Kylyns first year was entirely hard for Zack and I. . . She was the BEST thing that could have happened to us. She defiantly woke us up. Yes,we didn't suddenly walk the straight and narrow, and made mistakes along the way, but with support, prayer, and REAL friends who weren't out to just milk us for information to then pass on to the next person, we got back on track. Kylyn turned 1yrs old Feb 15th, and Zack and I said "I do" March 27th. My daddy walked me down the isle, gave me away, and performed the ceremony. It was extremely special to me. I didnt cry one bit during the wedding until we got ready to walk down the isle, and Coldplays 'life in technicolor II' began to play...I lost it. At that moment everything over the last year hit me...and it was over. I was now married to my best friend, I had my baby girl, and we were finally the family we should be. The relief was amazing, and I couldnt have wanted it more.

  THIS TIME around...we got pregnant inside of marriage, and I hoped it would be wonderful. I hoped people would be excited for us, that people would congratulate us and not have that look in their eye like "what were you thinking...your so young why would you do it again on purpose?" ... we told our parents and both sides reacted...OK. not good, or bad. mostly just concerned about finances. Being money minded isnt always a bad thing, but it is when you hear your having a grandchild and all you can think of is our money situation.... kinda puts a damper on the announcement.

  Things have been good, but not great. It seems everyone has their opinion of Zack and I's situation...too young, not financially secure, ... etc. The worst of it is they talk to us about it out of concern and respect but then talk to others about for ..... um what reason again?? This causes so much trouble because then we only have added people placing their opinions and views of us on our shoulders or worse whispering it in their neighbors ears...just starting moooreeee rumors, and stories.
  My parents stress money all the time. If I ever talk to my mom about how im feeling if she asks etc she always compares it to herself and almsot tries to make it into a competition. Ilove my mom, but this hurts. I dont let her know how im feeling for her to inform me she mde it through and had 3 kids within a little over 3yr or whatever...She can win, i'm not in it for competition.  We got pregnant only a few months before we planned on TRYING to get pregnant....(oops) and it was in the right situation (us being married) and still....ugh
   Zacks parents were SO involved with my pregnancy with Kylyn, probably in part that I lived there off and on, before and right after Kylyn was born. But this time we have nothing to do with each other sadly, we see them every so often, but not much. Everyone is always busy, and has a schedual that cant be changed.  My FIL asks how I'm doing, and makes me feel he is concerned and wants to be involved in this pregnancy, but I dont always feel the same from my MIL. She always seems sooo focused on Kylyn, she seems to not even notice,im pregnant.  I don't know maybe I'm just seeing things differently. I just wish my MIL would be more involved, like she was last time. It makes me worried its going to be a situation of favoritism between Kylyn and our new baby girl.

Anyway...I'm just feeling that even though Zack and I are married, we are having our second baby girl in 22days maybe less...and we are trying disparately to do things right this time...people are still acting not excited, very uninvolved...etc.    Oh well I guess...

This rant definatly has to do with lack of sleep seeing as its 5am, and hormones...gonna go to bed.