UM...? I Hate You Scale

I knew women gained weight with pregnency, and that they have to work their butts off afterwords to get back into some semi version of  'good shape' or 'pre-baby shape'. But this is just stupid.

Heres the run down and tell me how it makes any sense to you that this is ok, and perfectly normal.

Pre Joslyn I weighed 119lbs

4-5months pregnant I weighed 102-105lbs

8-9months pregnant I weighed 123lbs

Pretty good!! ONLY gained a few lbs on top of my prebaby body..although that prebody baby I thought was pretty gross in the first place, and was working my butt off to try get into better shape just before we found out we were pregnant.

1 week post partum I weighed 105lbs! YES!!!

6.5months post partum I weigh 122lbs....

WHAT THE HECK?!?!

That means I have a uterus full of water, two milk filled boobs, double my normal blood volume weight, and a 6lb +oz baby just in  PURE BODY FAT sitting under my skin making me look like something I promised myself I would never let myself look like. Yuck....

Today, and until I am back into my sweet, awesome, physically fit body. I dislike clothes, leaving my house, or doing anything in which someone may see me in this disgusting state of physical form.

Please note, I have a severe case of fat phobia...not on others, just me. If I see someone heavier set I dont even notice! But...I cant stand to see myself. Seriously its soo bad I have to get undressed and dressed before and after I shower BEHIND the curton. I cry, I gag, I puke, I get nervous and panicy, I shake....I basically have panic attacks when I think about having this fat on my body. As I type this im feeling antsy. I blame this fat phobia on my mother...when I was about 7years old I was down in the basement of our parsenage in Grenfell SK CA. watching opera with my mom. It was about a woman who didnt care what she ate or that her life was now ridding on loosing weight. She didnt care, she said at least Ill die happy...sadly her poor family who loved her didnt want her to be this way, they wanted their mother back, their children wanted their grandma back, and wanted to be able to do things with her instead of just sit in the livingroom of her home visiting because she never got off the couch. How sad...and what a sad life for that woman that was...well lets face it she was fat plain and simple. So Oprah had a doctor come and bring a plastic container containing 1 lbs of pure body fat. I remember at this point almost throwing up. Then the woman proceeded to explain how it wasnt sooo bad. The doctor explain the risks of heart attack, back, and joint issues from carrying that much excess weight, and she just didnt care. Her daughter who weighed at that time she same as her mother did 25yrs go around her same age was asked by the doctor to put on a vest, and leg weights, and back weights, and wrist weights all of which equalled what her mom was carrying around on her body daily. The daughter put the stuff on and after a few minutes was out of breath and her heart rate was up...she broke down in tears when she realized how her mom was being so LITERALLY held back from life by this fat consuming her body.  ANYWAY . . .  the image of the pure body fat in that tub...has impacted me in good ways, and not so good ways. Therefore I have a severe fear of fat on my body. Just the idea of it makes my skin crawl.
Thanks Oprah....thanks alot.

So here I am...too overweight for my liking.