UM...? I Hate You Scale

I knew women gained weight with pregnency, and that they have to work their butts off afterwords to get back into some semi version of  'good shape' or 'pre-baby shape'. But this is just stupid.

Heres the run down and tell me how it makes any sense to you that this is ok, and perfectly normal.

Pre Joslyn I weighed 119lbs

4-5months pregnant I weighed 102-105lbs

8-9months pregnant I weighed 123lbs

Pretty good!! ONLY gained a few lbs on top of my prebaby body..although that prebody baby I thought was pretty gross in the first place, and was working my butt off to try get into better shape just before we found out we were pregnant.

1 week post partum I weighed 105lbs! YES!!!

6.5months post partum I weigh 122lbs....

WHAT THE HECK?!?!

That means I have a uterus full of water, two milk filled boobs, double my normal blood volume weight, and a 6lb +oz baby just in  PURE BODY FAT sitting under my skin making me look like something I promised myself I would never let myself look like. Yuck....

Today, and until I am back into my sweet, awesome, physically fit body. I dislike clothes, leaving my house, or doing anything in which someone may see me in this disgusting state of physical form.

Please note, I have a severe case of fat phobia...not on others, just me. If I see someone heavier set I dont even notice! But...I cant stand to see myself. Seriously its soo bad I have to get undressed and dressed before and after I shower BEHIND the curton. I cry, I gag, I puke, I get nervous and panicy, I shake....I basically have panic attacks when I think about having this fat on my body. As I type this im feeling antsy. I blame this fat phobia on my mother...when I was about 7years old I was down in the basement of our parsenage in Grenfell SK CA. watching opera with my mom. It was about a woman who didnt care what she ate or that her life was now ridding on loosing weight. She didnt care, she said at least Ill die happy...sadly her poor family who loved her didnt want her to be this way, they wanted their mother back, their children wanted their grandma back, and wanted to be able to do things with her instead of just sit in the livingroom of her home visiting because she never got off the couch. How sad...and what a sad life for that woman that was...well lets face it she was fat plain and simple. So Oprah had a doctor come and bring a plastic container containing 1 lbs of pure body fat. I remember at this point almost throwing up. Then the woman proceeded to explain how it wasnt sooo bad. The doctor explain the risks of heart attack, back, and joint issues from carrying that much excess weight, and she just didnt care. Her daughter who weighed at that time she same as her mother did 25yrs go around her same age was asked by the doctor to put on a vest, and leg weights, and back weights, and wrist weights all of which equalled what her mom was carrying around on her body daily. The daughter put the stuff on and after a few minutes was out of breath and her heart rate was up...she broke down in tears when she realized how her mom was being so LITERALLY held back from life by this fat consuming her body.  ANYWAY . . .  the image of the pure body fat in that tub...has impacted me in good ways, and not so good ways. Therefore I have a severe fear of fat on my body. Just the idea of it makes my skin crawl.
Thanks Oprah....thanks alot.

So here I am...too overweight for my liking.

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TOO LONG

Wow, my last post was Joslyns 7wk photos?! How awful am I lately at keeping my blog up to date? How much has happened in life since then? Alot. Much too much to list, but I cant try. Riiiigggghhhttt??

OK, so this is gonna be written weird since I'm telling of my life, and how it relates to Joslyn and Kylyn and being a mommy when Joslyn was 8-9weeks old, when at present Joslyn is 6.5 months, and Kylyn is 3. A Little off but that's ok.

Keep in mind this post is past, as in this past fall, not actually in present time.

I admit I was awfully concerned about Joslyns progress as far as movement and capability to do things. My first, Kylyn, was so advanced. Scooting, sitting unsupported, crawling, walking, and talking all before 11months easy. Joslyn? Not so much. She pretty much was perfectly content laying there and staring at anyone who would meet her eye to eye. Didnt squawk much, or squeal. Just lied perfectly still, Turing her head from side to side every so often to follow someones figure passing her by.

I was constantly comparing her to stats based on other August babies born around the same time as her, or comparing her against her sister when she was the same age...no matter what Joslyn always seemed sooo far behind. It drove me crazy to read how my friends babies were scooting on their tummy's, sitting up, crawling etc...when all my baby seemed to do was be content being a lazy lump of human baby flesh watching life, instead of making any effort to join in. It made me almost upset at times...it was so hard to NOT compare. When I did compare I got upset at the results, and at the fact that I just compared my daughters even though I swore I never would. I know Kylyn was 2 weeks over due,and Joslyn came nearly 4 weeks early, and spent time in the NICU, so I had to expect and accept her behing a little behind as normal, but I didnt want to. Kylyn was always so advanced, and entertaining, and so fun. She was nearly everyday doing something new and exciting, but Joslyn didnt coo, sqwak, roll over, do anything! Every once in a while she would smile or make some attempt at interacting, but she was soo different then what I was used to a baby being like! I knew she was normal, and just a different person then Kylyn. How could I have expected them to be exactly the same as far as growth and developement?

Kylyn grew increasingly jealous, with time, of Joslyn. Kylyn with no doubt loves and adores Joslyn, but she doesnt like when people come over and want to check out Joslyn first thats for sure...She about throws a royal fit when I have to stop playing with her, or stop watching her do something to tend to Joslyn. She stomps and whines and fusses when its time to give Joslyn a bath, or lay her down for a nap, or make her a bottle. I wasnt even sure how to deal with the problem. I knew to her it was becoming a competition for my time. Before Joslyn I stayed home everyday all day with Kylyn and we were like best friends. Every waking moment seemed to be spent together in one way or another. This time sharing thing was different and at times hard for both of us. As time has gone on its gotten better, but we still have our moments.

So...this is kinda the run down of Joslyn Kylyn and I and how my life as a mommy was @ 8-9wks post partum.

OH the joys, ups and downs, excitement, and boredum of being a mother.

 Kylyn and Joslyn out in the leaves....aww I love fall.

 Me and my girlies

 Daddy and his Girls

My beautiful baby Girl-Joslyn.

 Getting sleepy

 Smirking in her sleep

Joslyn and Geroldine the giraffe

 Kylyn going to a fall tea party with some other little girls

 Kylyn at halloween in her ballerina fairy princess wardrobe

♥ Sweet sisterly love ♥

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Time flys so I'll capture it in a memory and photo

Joslyn at 7wks 5days old. 2nd photoshoot with mommy.

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Birth Story from my point of view.

I am foolish to be awake right now, but I am. Both the girls are asleep, and I'm wide awake. Why? Not entirely sure, but my mind is wandering. Kylyn is going to be Three in February, and Joslyn is already over a month old. I cant believe how time flys! It seems Kylyn was just born, and now Joslyns here and shes already a month old! I cant believe it..I havnt even written out my birth story really besides a time line of events leading up to Joslyn. I guess its time I did so.


August 2nd I had my regualr appointment with my Dr. and I had a c-section schedualed for the 9th. I knew I would go into labor for some reason before my CS and while my doctor was away on a trip for a family/friends birthday party.
That night I started having contractions or what I thought were just braxton hicks at the time. They came and went but time wise were fairly consistant, and always came in sets of 4-12 at a time. They continued day and night...by the 4th I woke up at night and was concerned that she was not moving as much. I watched it carefully throughout the night, and by morning she was moving more and i figured she was just running out of room to move around in...that night i did kick counts and she was good,so I went to bed. I usually woke up a few times a night to pee or just get comfortable again, and by morning I realized i hadnt felt her move at all since I did my kick counts. Zack had gone to work about 30min before, so this had to be around 6am I decided to wake up for the day, and drank some pop -for sugar, and ate something in hopes to get her moving again. When I didnt feel anything after a while I just called Zack and told him to come home...we needed to go to the doctor because something wasnt right. By the time he got home and we were on our way I had felt her move very sluggishly a few times...I was still concerned, so we proceeded to the doctor.  My doctor was of course gone still till the 8th. I was in labor. I wasnt happy, but I was sort of excited? I dont even know how to describe. It felt surreal, like it wasnt actually going to happen because I wasnt ready for it to happen. I was excited to meet my little girl, but I didnt feel like it was gonna happen that day. They prepped me for my cs and I was so tired, and just out of it. I went through the sugury, and after they took her out I was beginning to regain feeling in my stomach, they gave me some medication to keep me numb as long as possible, but it didnt work too well. I went to recovery knoing she was having a few minor breathing issues more likely because of the sugrical delivery rather then a vaginal dilevery. I was told a few times it was nothing to be worried about. When I got into my room finally Zack told me she hadnt gotten better yet.  I asked if I could be wheeled in there to see her but they wouldnt let me. That night she only got worse, and they were going to have to bring her to Gf because the Thief River hospital didnt have the equipment Joslyn was requireing. She needed a NICU.

They brought her in and I saw her for a few breif minutes held her hand and touched her, and then she was gone to grand forks. Zack spent the night and went to Gf to visit her in the morning. I wished I could go, but just having surgury less then 24hrs previous, it wasnt going to happen.

Zack left that morning to visit Joslyn and I was jealous and mad I couldnt go. I missed Kylyn, and I was just angry all around that nothing had gone how it was suposed to. I was suposed to be looking down at my precious baby girl in my arms, introducing her to her big sister, bringing her home to her room I worked so hard on...I was suposed to be enjoying my stay in the hospital with my new baby and husband, but instead I was sitting in a bed, alone, staring aimlessly out my hospital window with a cut across my stomach and no baby in my arms to show for it. This wasnt the way things were supposed to go at all. I was scared, sad, upset...not the typical feelings besides maybe scared, that a mom should be feeling in the hospital the day after her baby is born. Even my hospital room made me sad. My hospital room with Joslyn was the same as with Kylyn accept with Joslyn she and I were in totally different towns in totally different hospitals. :(

I was sad and scared I prayed the Lord would heal her, and that she would be back to me or release within the next two days, but when Zack came back from visiting her he didnt have good news. She was worse yet. :( We at this point didnt know how serious of condition she was in because one doctor would sound calm and chipper as could be and say her issues were minor, another would have a more serious demnior and make it sound a bit more serious....by the 7th I was released, and we went home. We had heard earlier that day there was a possibility she would need to be transfered to Fargo. We got home unpacked and repacked for either Fargo or grandforks we didnt even know. They called our house and said they were going to go ahead and send her to Fargo.

We were on our way, and I was going to see her for the first time since that 3 seconds in the OR and that few minutes in the hospital room before they transfered her the first time to Grandforks. I was a ball of nerves...excited, scared, sad, angry, happy, confused, curious,...

When I saw her ... this is the part were any normal person would say 'nothing could have prepared me for seeing my baby in that state or condition' but..for some reason when I saw her I was relieved to see she was getting ALL the help she could get, and from such wonderful people and staff. She was #1 priority there in the NICU, and had 24/7 watch. I knew she was in good care, and I knew that God had her in His hands, and again even standing next to her holding her finger I could do nothing to save her life but trust in the Lord, Pray and know that before I even knew she was going to exist, God already knew her fate. He knew what was going to happen, and I had peace knowing that. We are glad to have her home today and in our arms, but we would have been just as accepting knowing she was with her Creator, and that she had served her given purpose here on Earth as God had intended her to do. We are glad He let us have her longer. :)

Everything else happend as it did, and it was a roller coaster of news and info between the Doctors, Nurses, Nurse Pracs, and us, but zack and I made the experiance differnt then the typical person might think. We had fun! We enjoyed eachothers company, we just had fun together. We needed it as strange as it sounds, God had a bigger plan then Joslyn being sick, it was good for Zack and I. It was good for us as parents to Kylyn, and to Joslyn.  We made it out alive, but not just that, we made it out laughing, happy, thankful, and ready for whatever happend next. God is soo good.

Today Joslyn is healthy and happy here at home with her family. She has 3 great grandpas, 3 great grandmas, 2 grandpas, 2 grandmas, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 big sister, and a mommy and a daddy who all love her very very much.

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