A Tiny Piece of Heaven: September 2010

I am foolish to be awake right now, but I am. Both the girls are asleep, and I'm wide awake. Why? Not entirely sure, but my mind is wandering. Kylyn is going to be Three in February, and Joslyn is already over a month old. I cant believe how time flys! It seems Kylyn was just born, and now Joslyns here and shes already a month old! I cant believe it..I havnt even written out my birth story really besides a time line of events leading up to Joslyn. I guess its time I did so.

August 2nd I had my regualr appointment with my Dr. and I had a c-section schedualed for the 9th. I knew I would go into labor for some reason before my CS and while my doctor was away on a trip for a family/friends birthday party.
That night I started having contractions or what I thought were just braxton hicks at the time. They came and went but time wise were fairly consistant, and always came in sets of 4-12 at a time. They continued day and night...by the 4th I woke up at night and was concerned that she was not moving as much. I watched it carefully throughout the night, and by morning she was moving more and i figured she was just running out of room to move around in...that night i did kick counts and she was good,so I went to bed. I usually woke up a few times a night to pee or just get comfortable again, and by morning I realized i hadnt felt her move at all since I did my kick counts. Zack had gone to work about 30min before, so this had to be around 6am I decided to wake up for the day, and drank some pop -for sugar, and ate something in hopes to get her moving again. When I didnt feel anything after a while I just called Zack and told him to come home...we needed to go to the doctor because something wasnt right. By the time he got home and we were on our way I had felt her move very sluggishly a few times...I was still concerned, so we proceeded to the doctor. My doctor was of course gone still till the 8th. I was in labor. I wasnt happy, but I was sort of excited? I dont even know how to describe. It felt surreal, like it wasnt actually going to happen because I wasnt ready for it to happen. I was excited to meet my little girl, but I didnt feel like it was gonna happen that day. They prepped me for my cs and I was so tired, and just out of it. I went through the sugury, and after they took her out I was beginning to regain feeling in my stomach, they gave me some medication to keep me numb as long as possible, but it didnt work too well. I went to recovery knoing she was having a few minor breathing issues more likely because of the sugrical delivery rather then a vaginal dilevery. I was told a few times it was nothing to be worried about. When I got into my room finally Zack told me she hadnt gotten better yet. I asked if I could be wheeled in there to see her but they wouldnt let me. That night she only got worse, and they were going to have to bring her to Gf because the Thief River hospital didnt have the equipment Joslyn was requireing. She needed a NICU.

They brought her in and I saw her for a few breif minutes held her hand and touched her, and then she was gone to grand forks. Zack spent the night and went to Gf to visit her in the morning. I wished I could go, but just having surgury less then 24hrs previous, it wasnt going to happen.

Zack left that morning to visit Joslyn and I was jealous and mad I couldnt go. I missed Kylyn, and I was just angry all around that nothing had gone how it was suposed to. I was suposed to be looking down at my precious baby girl in my arms, introducing her to her big sister, bringing her home to her room I worked so hard on...I was suposed to be enjoying my stay in the hospital with my new baby and husband, but instead I was sitting in a bed, alone, staring aimlessly out my hospital window with a cut across my stomach and no baby in my arms to show for it. This wasnt the way things were supposed to go at all. I was scared, sad, upset...not the typical feelings besides maybe scared, that a mom should be feeling in the hospital the day after her baby is born. Even my hospital room made me sad. My hospital room with Joslyn was the same as with Kylyn accept with Joslyn she and I were in totally different towns in totally different hospitals. :(

I was sad and scared I prayed the Lord would heal her, and that she would be back to me or release within the next two days, but when Zack came back from visiting her he didnt have good news. She was worse yet. :( We at this point didnt know how serious of condition she was in because one doctor would sound calm and chipper as could be and say her issues were minor, another would have a more serious demnior and make it sound a bit more serious....by the 7th I was released, and we went home. We had heard earlier that day there was a possibility she would need to be transfered to Fargo. We got home unpacked and repacked for either Fargo or grandforks we didnt even know. They called our house and said they were going to go ahead and send her to Fargo.

We were on our way, and I was going to see her for the first time since that 3 seconds in the OR and that few minutes in the hospital room before they transfered her the first time to Grandforks. I was a ball of nerves...excited, scared, sad, angry, happy, confused, curious,...

When I saw her ... this is the part were any normal person would say 'nothing could have prepared me for seeing my baby in that state or condition' but..for some reason when I saw her I was relieved to see she was getting ALL the help she could get, and from such wonderful people and staff. She was #1 priority there in the NICU, and had 24/7 watch. I knew she was in good care, and I knew that God had her in His hands, and again even standing next to her holding her finger I could do nothing to save her life but trust in the Lord, Pray and know that before I even knew she was going to exist, God already knew her fate. He knew what was going to happen, and I had peace knowing that. We are glad to have her home today and in our arms, but we would have been just as accepting knowing she was with her Creator, and that she had served her given purpose here on Earth as God had intended her to do. We are glad He let us have her longer. :)

Everything else happend as it did, and it was a roller coaster of news and info between the Doctors, Nurses, Nurse Pracs, and us, but zack and I made the experiance differnt then the typical person might think. We had fun! We enjoyed eachothers company, we just had fun together. We needed it as strange as it sounds, God had a bigger plan then Joslyn being sick, it was good for Zack and I. It was good for us as parents to Kylyn, and to Joslyn. We made it out alive, but not just that, we made it out laughing, happy, thankful, and ready for whatever happend next. God is soo good.

Today Joslyn is healthy and happy here at home with her family. She has 3 great grandpas, 3 great grandmas, 2 grandpas, 2 grandmas, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 big sister, and a mommy and a daddy who all love her very very much.